My Broken Heart

I guess my soulmate wasn't all he was cracked up to be. You know this has to be the last time I write about him because it is completely driving me crazy dealing with this whole thing. I bet all of you are getting sick of hearing about it. I am sick of talking about it, writing about it, and seriously, thinking about it. I have no clue as to what this man wants from me. I don't have a clue as to what God wants from me. Is it blood? I mean come on I am so fed up. I have no idea what I am doing or why I am doing it. I felt this sense of, stay where you are and hang in there. I got all these signs I had asked for and guess what?? I haven't talked to him in over a week, no more like a week and a half. For no reason he has stopped calling me and now I have stopped calling him.

He wanted me to stay with him one evening, I did, after I wasn't talking to him because of the same old same old. He came to my house left a note on my door, he let me stay with him, after a year, told me he never let anyone stay there before since his ex wife. I believed him, then he didn't want a commitment and he wasn't good for me, ok so, let me go, is what I told, him, and he quit calling, then I talked to him again three weeks later when he asked me to come stay again. That night I knew something was different, but it wasn't him it was me and when I left the next morning I heard a voice say to me, I will not let you fall this time, and I haven't heard from him since. I have not cried yet, well I take that back the last message I left I did cry towards the end of the message, and I told him I couldn't believe I was back here once again and that was why I cried. Because I feel like a fool. I don't understand anything about this whole past year. I don't know why I held onto him for so long. It was exactly a year and a half.

I thought with time it would be different. I asked for all these signs and got them, ya know there was something I was to take from this and I guess I got it. I am so sad though. I am sad because I feel like I haven't figured out what it was I was to learn. I don't regret my time with Jon, and I don't resent him or feel any bad thoughts towards him. I want him to be happy and I honestly love him enough to let him go and find that happiness. I want him to find love whether it be with me or someone else. I didn't make a mistake in being with him, my mistake may have been giving everything I had to him and not taking anything for me in return. Where ever he is though and whomever he is with, I hope he is happy and I am finally hoping to close this chapter in my life for once and for all.

Jon, I miss you and I don't regret a thing, but this is it. I knew one day I would get to this place. I tried my best over and over and I am worn out. I let myself need you and you taught me a lot and I wish you nothing but happiness, true love and peace, you know I knew you better than anyone and I reached a place with you not many have. I know that and I know you do too, and that is ok. Please allow me time to heal and maybe one day I can be your friend, right now it is to painful. But you are always on my mind and always will be in my heart. Just allow me the time to heal. I miss you and I love you truly, enough to say good-bye.

Vaughn Pascal

To Dakota: I love you.

To Jon: Yesterday, maybe even tomorrow, but not forever as I once thought..